Ride or Die Chick: (1) A chick that ain’t afraid to be down with her man; she’ll do anything her man needs her to do. -courtesy of Urban Dictionary

Amongst others, this is the definition of a ride or die chick. By now, those of us who follow celebrity gossip know that T.I. and his wife Tiny were busted for possession of a controlled substance. T.I. is on probation from his stint in federal prison after his gun charges situation. His boo, Tiny, has been his “ride or die” chick for about 10 years now. She’s stuck with him through all of his mess so besides everyone questioning whether or not he was violating his parole and thus going back to prison, the main thought everyone seemed to have was: “Tiny’s going to take the charge (if she can) so her man doesn’t have to go back to prison.”  Seemingly, Tiny is the quintessential ride or die chick but perhaps we should dig a bit deeper and see both sides of this type of woman.

Let’s first stick with the woman whom, no matter what will stick by her man.  While he has or has not been fairly nice to her, he’s not necessarily good for her.  Perhaps a stint (or two) in jail. Perhaps a little cheating here (and there).  Perhaps he can’t keep a job to save his life and is overall unmotivated. No matter what the case, he’s just not good for any woman at this point in life (unless, of course, she’s completely as unmotivated about life as he is). Yet, his girl is a ride or die chick – down for whatever, whenever.  If aforementioned issues with other women arise, she might be mad at him but will check the woman (or women) because her man can do no wrong.  She’s down for him because she loves him – or the idea of having him (or any man).  To quote Luther, she feels this way: “I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else.”

On the flip side, we have another ride or die chick. Some might liken her to First Lady Michelle Obama (Be Clear: I’m not calling FL Obama a “chick,” lol) back when President Obama was not making a lot of money in his legal position and didn’t have the power he has now. FL Obama loved him anyway and saw he was no slouch. She saw his potential not only professionally but as a man and she rode with him.  So this type of ride or die chick has a man that is not only good to her but he’s good for her. He’s not perfect by any means because like everyone else, he’s his days where he just doesn’t feel like being bothered and will sometimes give an attitude (the kind where you’re two seconds from slapping the Sugar Honey Iced Tea out of him). He may have recently lost his job but he’s been voraciously looking for a new one so that he can continue to contribute to the house and take care of you (and the kids if applicable).  There might be a couple of other things going on with him and his “being” that’s just got him down. You all are experiencing some tough times in the mechanics of the relationship but because you know and SEE the potential in him, you are his ride or die chick.  This woman is the positive force in a man’s life who has always seen the light at the end of the tunnel but suddenly, that bulb seems to be fading. To quote Luther, she feels this way: “I’d rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart.”

Where’s the balance? How do you know that its okay to be his ride or die chick? And how do you determine if riding or dying has now become “sink” with him or “swim” on your own?

Tiger Woods and his fondness for 20-something-year-old fame cravers, has brought back the oft-held debate about male fidelity. At the writing of this posting, Tiger’s marriage seems to still be alive even if damaged. No moving trucks have been to his home.

Tiger is a professional golfer with a wife and two small children. Perhaps his looks don’t turn heads exactly, but I don’t know anyone who finds him to be repulsive. Oh yeah, he’s also the first billionaire athlete. That last part seems to be what really heats up the fidelity debate. “A man is only as faithful as his options.” We hear that all the time, right?  Well, if that’s true then any and every professional athlete (even golfers!) has a pass to cheat. They have more options than anybody, so if you follow that line of thinking, women who marry them just have to accept that as a part of life.

Besides money and fame, what about attractiveness? Extraordinarily handsome men (or even just extraordinarily charming ones) have a plethora of options as well. Subconsciously, perhaps women act on the belief that handsome men are more likely to cheat. A Journal of Family Psychology study that was featured on livescience.com found that marriages in which the wife was better looking than the husband were more positive and supportive matches than other types of couples. Hmmmm

I have a couple ideas about this, but I’d much rather hear from you first. So, what say you, Get ‘Em Girls? If your partner cheated would his wealth or looks at all factor into whether or not you stayed? Do you believe that wealthier or more handsome men cheat more often?

Last month while traveling to New Orleans alone, I met an interesting young man.  What was suppose to be a romantic weekend getaway for two to my favorite city, turned into a trip for one.  As I dreadfully boarded the plane and walked to my assigned seat, I looked over to see who would be sitting in the seat that was previously assigned to the man I thought I loved and instead found a young man with a baby face clothed in army fatigues.  I sat in my aisle seat with so many thoughts of the so called “friend” that left me stranded. I watched the soldier sleep so peacefully and  when he awoke I immediately turned into Lisa Ling and began to ask him tons of questions.

His name was Javon Morrison, a native New Yorker from Brooklyn, on his way back to Iraq.  He had missed his earlier flight, but thanks to my misfortune he was able to catch a connecting flight through Atlanta.  Though he is scheduled to come back home in December for good, he was unhappy about returning to Iraq.  He told me about how much he missed his baby girl and family.  I asked him how the food was over there and he said that it wasn’t bad, however they pretty much eat the same things every day.  His spirit began to lift as we talked about the  “Soul Food” love he received from his mother while he was home. On his downtime he plays spades, logs onto Facebook and has a twitter account he doesn’t know how to work.  He didn’t seem scared to go back to Iraq, more like tired and just ready to come home.  We talked about tons of things from music to women.  Our conversation was interrupted about three times because the stewardess kept bringing him treats from First Class.  One time she reached over me and passed him what look to be a super sized Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie (almost knocking over my bag of peanuts..lol).  I was happy for him, but if she would have came out of First Class with some Chick Fil-A or Auntie Anne’s pretzels, Javon would have had to share.

I had almost forgot about this encounter with Javon, but when President Barack Obama announced yesterday a surge of 30,000 troops would be sent to Afghanistan, I thought about him and wondered how he was doing.  I thought about all of the families that would soon be torn apart.  Ultimately, I voted for President Obama, so I will not be so quick to question his decisions and I trust that he is doing what’s best for the country. Until I sat and talked with Javon, I had never took the time to “really” think about the people who give up their lives so that I may walk this earth with less fear.

On November 13th I took a trip to New Orleans alone and along the way met a young man whom with out knowing me puts his life on the line everyday for me, he suffers daily so that I can live my dreams.  I needed someone to restore my faith in man.  I was in search of a hero and I found one… Thanks Javon

December 1st is Worlds AIDS Day!  Started on 1st December 1988, World AIDS Day is about raising money, increasing awareness, fighting prejudice and improving education. Go out and get tested today and support the various AIDS awareness events is your area.

What is HIV?
HIV is a virus that attacks the body’s immune system – the body’s defense against diseases.

Are HIV and AIDS the same?
No. When someone is described as living with HIV, they have the HIV virus in their body. A person is considered to have developed AIDS when the immune system is so weak it can no longer fight off a range of diseases with which it would normally cope.

How is HIV passed on?
HIV can be passed on through infected blood, semen, vaginal fluids or breast milk.

The most common ways HIV is passed on are:
* Sex without a condom with someone living with HIV
* Sharing infected needles, syringes or other injecting drug equipment
* From an HIV-positive mother (to her child) during pregnancy, childbirth or breastfeeding (but with effective treatment and care the risk of transmission can be greatly reduced)

Is there a cure for HIV?
No, but treatment can keep the virus under control and the immune system healthy. People on HIV treatment can live a healthy, active life, although they may experience side effects from the treatment. If HIV is diagnosed late, treatment may be less effective.

How can I protect myself and others from HIV infection?
Always use a condom when having vaginal or anal sex. You also may want to use a condom or dental dam during oral sex although the risk of transmission of HIV is much lower. You can get free condoms from a sexual health clinic. Never share needles, syringes or any other injecting equipment.

Statistics

• According to UNAIDS statistics, an estimated 33.4 million people are living with HIV. Among these 2.5 million are children.
• Sadly, one out of three people escape diagnosis of the condition.
• More than half of infected people are in the prime of their youth. Statistics also point out that they do not survive beyond 10 years after diagnosis.
• In India, there are about 2.5 million HIV+ individuals of whom 1.7 lakh are in the state of Tamilnadu.
• Mortality due to AIDS stands at a staggering 2.1 million people worldwide. Among the dead, 330,000 are children.
• According to a voluntary service group, women and girls in the third world are disproportionately victimized by HIV/AIDS because they face consistent discrimination.
• Alarming statistics in China have shown 60% female sex workers do not use condoms with clients.
• Number of people living with HIV is up 20%
• AIDS prevention programs have certainly brought down the rate of new infections by 17% in a span of eight years, yet the number of people living with the infection is up 20%.

Sources: www.avert.org/world-aids-day.htm

http://www.medindia.net/news/healthinfocus/World-AIDS-Day-2009

http://www.unaids.org

About three months into or courtship, I had lunch with him near his office in downtown New York. We joked and laughed and kissed and talked. It was a typical lunch for us. At the tortuous end (it was always tortuous to say good-bye), he walked me to the R train by City Hall Park on that unusually warm fall day. We stood at the top of the stairs. I didn’t want to go down and he didn’t want to walk away, so we made small talk as long as we could.

Finally we kissed and said good-bye and I put a tentative stilettoed foot on the first step. He looked at me with his hands in his pockets, head cocked to one side, bottom lip tucked in and his green eyes wide and shining in a slant of sunshine.

“It’s okay,” I offered, “I love you too.” I continued my jaunt down the subway steps as a toothy adolescent smile stretched across his face. I kept my smirk and raised eyebrow until I was in the bowels of the R train station and then unleashed my Cheshire grin and happy shimmy.

That was a defining moment for us. It was the beginning of much freer expression. We were no longer confined by the dictates of admiration, but rather open to the boundless plains of love. It was also the first time that I had EVER (kind of) told a guy “I love you” first. * sigh * Such memories.

What are the moments you remember most fondly?

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When it comes to dating, I never claim to have all the answers. In fact, after talking to some of my male friends, I know less than I thought about impressing the opposite sex. Hey, here I thought my ability to drink my male friends under the table made me more appealing, and I realize now that my liver has been paying a heavy price all for naught.

So here are the top 5 things that men say women do that frankly, don’t impress them:

1. Name Brands: Unless the man’s name is on the label, more than likely he could care less about who made your outfit or what significance the red soles of your heels represent. As one guy put it, “There’s NOTHING like a woman that can put an outfit together, but at the end of the day, I’m really trying to see that outfit crumbled on the floor in the corner of my bedroom…besides, all those expensive items are just sprinkles if you got no cake…”

2. Proclaiming Your Independence: NEYO has got us all running around screaming we’ve got our own…but unless we’re singing along with him at his concert, let’s leave the proclamation to him. As grown adults, we should be independent thus there’s no need to try and use that as some type of bargaining chip.

3. Makeup: All my MAC queens won’t like this one, but it was on pretty much every guys list that replied, too much makeup is a definite turn-off. “A little gloss and eye liner is great, but when you throw in the different color eyeshadow, eye lashes, foundation, and lip stick…it can get ridiculous. Now I’m wearing MAC all over my shirt!” So ladies, when it comes to trying to impress him…less is more.

4. Excessive Drinking: Sharing a beer or two with a guy can be quite the turn-on (especially if you can drink it from the bottle and still look sexy) but stumbling out of the bar every night trying to be “one of the boys” ain’t cute, boo. It ranks right up there with smoking cigarettes (which is high on the turn-off list by the way.)

5. Know It All: You pride yourself on being well versed in a variety of areas, and your knowledge is admirable…but no one, not even people your NOT trying to impress likes a know it all. Sometimes, even when you have the answers…shut up.

Okay ladies…I’d love to hear your thoughts on the lists.

I take pride in the fact that I have never ever* worn matching outfits with a boyfriend. In fact, pointing and laughing at such tragic couples was a very satisfying adolescent pastime at shopping malls and amusement parks. For some reason, gingham shorts sets seemed to be very popular among the coordinated-outfits crowd. But alas, Halloween presents an opportunity to coordinate and maybe, just maybe, not be lame.

For some odd reason, my husband has suggested that we spend Halloween as Sonny and Cher. This. Will. Not. Happen. I am however open to other things. Perhaps Foxy Brown a la Pam Grier and Jean-Claude Van Damme (Interracial crime fighting couple FTW!) or maybe Bill Thompson and Mayor Bloomberg in honor of the NYC mayoral election and my geekiness. I’m also debating some ingenious way to dress up as the public option and Joe Lieberman (something involving Droopy and a knife). I don’t know. We’ll see. What about you? Are you coordinating Halloween gear with your boo?

*I have a tiny confession. I wore a dark green gown to prom and my date wore a black tux with a dark green cummerbund and bow tie. I actually did not know what he was wearing until he showed up at my house.

Today, as a 30-year-old grown up, most of that stuff is lame to me. I am definitely still a romantic, but balloons and flowers and all those generic forms of flattery just don’t make the cut anymore and they haven’t for quite some time. My idea of romance now is more like a trip to a Basquiat exhibit at a museum or a wine and dessert date at a favorite bistro. Basically, I appreciate thoughtfulness, but thoughtfulness on that level requires you to know a person. Unless you talk on the phone or online quite a bit beforehand or have a very insightful first encounter, you probably won’t get much in the way of thoughtful romance on the first couple dates.

A few years ago when I was super single and new to New York City, I dated quite a bit and had lots of hits and misses date-wise. The thing about me is that when I meet someone and I’m into him, I’m a talker (and a listener). If he listens well, our first date could and should incorporate something thoughtful. One guy took me to a restaurant that he knew carried a dessert I loved for our first date and another guy actually found grape and strawberry Now and Laters (my favorite candy growing up) and presented them to me bouquet-like. Awesome ideas and to me, very romantic because they were thoughtful. Neither of those guys worked out, but good effort! LOL

My ideas of romance have definitely changed over the years. Now that I’m married, I need to keep the romance train chugging along and I expect effort on hubby’s part as well. For my birthday, we went on a Caribbean vacation (Nice!) and for his birthday, I got his initials tattooed in a red heart on the inside of my wrist. We didn’t give eachother anything that could put in a box necessarily, but I think these were our best gifts yet, incredibly romantic.

What about you? How do you define romance? Has your definition changed over the years?

I recently had a conversation with a [married] co-worker about…I don’t know — whatever we were discussing at the time; anyway, some how we got on this topic and she asked me if there was any type of man I wouldn’t date based on his profession.  The first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Strippers. Absolutely not. No thank you. I don’t care how nice you are or how cute — they are wack to me and any man who is a stripper will be deemed wack outside of the job.”  But after strippers — and police officers, sorry it’s just too much for me with them, I was pretty much done with my list. She said if she were single, she wouldn’t date strippers, military men, or NYPD officers (a PO in somewhere like Livingston, NJ would be okay she said).  We both agreed we’d date doctors, fire fighters, Wall Street dudes, and even actors, entertainers and “industry” execs.  Personally, I’d try to avoid industry guys because of my own professional reasons but I wouldn’t completely write them off.

What about you? Is there a certain person you would put on your “DO NOT DATE” list based on their profession?  Remember it’s legal so we don’t even have to bring up the local street hustler in this conversation.  If you have a list already, how long have you had it, has it changed and why are those people on it? If you don’t but just came up with something, let us know! If you would “never” come up with that kind of list, we NEED to discuss that too.

Round-table starts…NOW!

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“I don’t date people from *Insert School/City/Neighborhood*.” That’s something I hear a lot and I’ve been hearing it for a long time. I grew up on the west siiiiiide of Detroit and I can’t tell you how often I heard generalized disparaging comments about Detroiters who lived on the east side and vice versa. The general stereotype was that west siders were stuck up and east siders were ghetto. In middle school, I had a male friend who lived on the east side of Detroit. He wasn’t a boyfriend, he really was just a friend. (Also, the male friend had a GORGEOUS older brother who I needed to make aware of my existence.) I knew my father would not drop me off at some boy’s house, so I told him that I wanted to go to a female friend’s house (a friend he knew of) and that her sister would pick me up from our house. My father said no based strictly on the east side address. He also classified my female friend as a “fast girl,” but he let me visit “fast girls” on our side of town all the time.

Anyway, being the slick little 12/13 year old I was, I figured out a way to get there and have my father believe I was somewhere else. I boasted about my plans to some friends and they were basically shocked and appalled that I would go to the east side with no “back-up” and no weapon. They told me awful stories about west side girls getting raped, beaten and shot for being on the wrong side of town. They said east side boys were all jail bound thugs. They also told me that all east side girls liked to fight and that I was going to be flung around by my ponytail. Pretty frightening stuff actually, but even then I knew that the whole east side/west side thing was silly. I went over there anyway (though with studs instead of hoop earrings for fear of a torn earlobe if a fight did go down).

I got over to his house and I was immediately greeted/confronted by my friend’s sister who must have been about 15 years old. She was on the front porch sitting in a chair with her feet propped up on a railing and a comb sticking out of her wild mass of hair.

“You that little west side girl my brother like?”

My heart was beating very fast. I wished I had worn my hair up. I wished I had taken that throwing star (my friend’s brother was a Bruce Lee fan). I wished I had practiced my jab. I wished I had told my cousin not to drive off so fast.

Thankfully, my male friend came out of the house before I had to answer. Though I’m sure the pure fear in my eyes let his sister know that she had won that round.

“Don’t mind her. She just mad because she’s in trouble and can’t leave the porch. She beat up some girl in school again.”

Don’t you just hate it when people fulfill every negative stereotype about them? Well, the rest of my visit went without incident. The cute older brother wasn’t even there and the sister managed to sneak off the porch and hang with her friends down the street. When I got home, I told my friends a slightly more colorful story about how I stared down my friend’s sister and all her friends. Ummm, perhaps I threw in something about teaching them a dance step or two and how they wanted me to come back and do their hair. The ending was the same though! Nothing violent happened. And as far as I know that young man has never been a thug and has never been to jail.

I went on to have friends and boyfriends who lived on the east side. No biggie. But even to this day, you still have people in Detroit who feel some type of way about anybody who lives on the other side of town. The same line of thinking goes for dating too. I have friends who won’t date Morehouse men/Spelman ladies because “they are all stuck up.” I have friends who live in Detroit who won’t date people from Detroit because “none of them have themselves together.” 

What gives? Are there any geographic or educational characteristics that would make you turn someone down flat? Have you ever met someone who fit his/her stereotype  so well that it was down right comical? Do tell!